Start Again
by hikari0205
Summary: Spoilers for Journey's End. The Doctor contemplates the life of his other self while lying in bed with Rose. One shot.


My first Doctor Who fic.  
Pairing: New!Doctor and Rose.  
Spoilers for Journeys End and minor hints to the rest of the series.  
Doctor Who (c) BBC Wales

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Being human was strange, very strange. But not unwelcome the Doctor decided as he lay next to Rose on the king sized bed that they had been sharing more often than not lately. It had been 2 months since that fateful day at Bad Wolf Bay and though things had been difficult at first they had decided to work together to fix the problems they had. The Doctor knew that he wasn't _her_ Doctor, and a part of his human heart pulled in an unpleasant way when he thought about it. He knew Rose still thought about her Doctor, he heard her talking about it with Jackie the other week, about how he was _different_ and how she still missed the unconventional warmth the old Doctor used to bring her. She had memories with that Doctor. Sure, he had those same memories but he wasn't the one to make them with her. He hadn't lain on the grass opposite the Hospital in New New Earth with her, he hadn't been the one to save her on their first meeting together, he hadn't witnessed the end of the world with her on Platform One. So many memories in his head and not a single one was his.

'Well ..' He thought with a slight smile. 'This one is' He turned onto his side so he was facing her. She was fast asleep, her lips were slightly open and she was breathing deeply, her eyes closed. Her body was completely relaxed and her bare arms were resting under the giant fluffy pillows. He moved his hand up to touch her lips gently. The corners of her mouth twitched up at the sides and she turned her head over so he was now looking at the dirty blonde hair that he loved so much. He moved his arm so that it was circling her waist, the tips of his fingers played with the hem of the baggy shirt she was using to sleep in. They had been sleeping together for nearly a whole week now. They had decided to restart the relationship and go slowly so both of them had time to get used to the changes. This was why the two were both still fully clothed as they lay next to each other. Though the Doctor wished that they were like this for more pleasant reasons. Lately he had been having frequent nightmares filled with old friends, companions, enemies. Donna. Gods, poor Donna. He had known from the look on his other self's face what would happen to her once alone in the TARDIS. He felt a slight affinity with her that he supposed came from the metacrisis. The other Doctor had liked Donna too. She was different and funny and had helped him in ways that his other companions had rarely done. In his heart he knew that DoctorDonna would never be forgotten by any that were fighting against Davros that day. But still, the thought of not remembering the best times you'd ever had. Lying here by Rose, safe and happy, it was taken for granted but what if it were taken away? It was a horrible feeling and the Doctor was suddenly quite glad that he was half human and didn't have to go through the same terrible fate. And Martha, he had put her and her family through so much and Jack too. Astrid had died to save him and Sarah Jane had been left alone unsure of her future with him and the TARDIS.

He frowned as he shuffled closer to Rose and rested his head on her shoulder lightly. When he thought about it, he was actually quite glad that he wasn't the Doctor that had been through all of these troubles. Having the memories was enough to be able to torment him whenever he closed his eyes but _living_ it? Going through all of the experiences. The painful, long suffering the Doctor had seen. How did he cope with it? Being the last Time Lord .. It was miserable. So utterly miserable that now it made sense why the Doctor had cherished every memory with his dear companions. Because he knew that it would have to end, and that when it did it would probably be more painful than anything before it.

As he drew himself further into thought he failed to notice Rose stirring from her sleep gently. She smiled as she felt his arm around her and she turned to face him. He broke out of his thought as he noticed two brown eyes looking into his own.

" Oh .. Hi there .." He grinned goofily as Rose gave him _that_ look which clearly said that she knew he had been awake thinking all night.

" Hello to you too " She smiled, that look still in place. She leaned upwards to give him a small kiss before resting her chin on his chest.

" So, what's bothering you this time? " She asked. Rose was used to this by now, waking up in the middle of the night to find the Doctor still awake. She knew it wasn't healthy for him but also knew that he _needed_ to think about these things sometimes. Which is why she was now awake and getting him to tell her everything. His pains, his fears, his worries. She did this every night until he was smiling again and happy to fall asleep with the knowledge that no more nightmares would chase him. This Doctor needed patience. This Doctor also needed her in a way that the old one never had. This one needed to share the feelings bottled up inside and Rose was only too happy to comply. It was quite nice to be the one that was needed, she thought as she snuggled into his side and fell back to sleep.


End file.
